we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
