its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
