Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
