Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize