i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
