why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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