My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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