I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
