Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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