You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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