the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
