Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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