Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
