I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
