She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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