If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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