when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
