Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
