She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
