I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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