when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
