So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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