You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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