your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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