three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
