I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
