The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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