In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
