They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
