HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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