I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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