I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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