some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
