all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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