plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
