If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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