How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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