I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
