Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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