if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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