I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
