So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
