I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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