I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
