Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
