i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
