i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
