fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
