we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize