Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
