I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I deserve this hangover.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
