I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
