then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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