piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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