So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
