So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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