His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I believe in your delicious
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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