you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
