I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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