How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
