honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
