I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
They took my balls.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
