im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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