i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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