I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
